Life has become about just not losing your job, your partner, a patient. You can’t remember how long it’s been where you felt hope about your future or anyone else for that matter. It’s easier to just forget and be numb with alcohol, video games, whatever it takes to stop the thoughts.
Except that you’re completely disconnected from yourself and your loved ones. How often do you even notice your hunger? When was the last time you were present with your spouse as they talked about their day?
You’ve told yourself to get your shit together, as if willing away the bitterness and frustration is the answer. Mindless activities and substances can only distract you from the hopelessness for so long. It works until the anger and sadness builds up and you take it out on anyone including yourself.
You don’t want to snap at your patients, work bestie, and your partner anymore. Administration and your patients are going to ask for more and blame you for their disappointments, your partner will want your attention and will be let down when you don’t put down your phone, and you just want everything to fucking stop.
Everywhere else you have to be in control and on top of your shit and show compassion. Here you get to be real, upset, have feelings. Here you get to be all of yourself, the parts that aren’t so heroic and smart and together.
You claim that you don’t have the time to meet once a week, but what is the alternative? Sitting on your couch, alone, hating everything and everyone and finding ways to dig yourself into a deeper hole?