Miscarriage – you are not alone

Having a miscarriage is a sad event. This is not true for everyone but it is true for many. It can be true even if you were unsure if you wanted the baby or what you were going to do. What makes miscarriage even harder, is if and how to talk about it. Miscarriages happen throughout the pregnancy life cycle and when they happen can make a large impact on how we talk about the loss. 

Secrecy

For many women, either because of culture, lack of knowledge, or because of previous experiences, you might not have told anyone you are pregnant. It is not uncommon after a previous miscarriage, to keep this a secret from even your partner or your best friend. And while that secrecy can be helpful in managing the aftermath of having to tell your whole office or constantly fielding questions from well meaning friends and family, it can also be isolating. Who do you talk to about the future you couldn’t help yourself from imagining? Who do you talk to about your guilt or shame or sadness or anger or ambivalence or relief? Finding a support group, a counselor, or an online community can be hugely beneficial in helping you take the time you need to express all the confusing and conflicting feelings that come from a loss.

Too Many People Know

The opposite side of secrecy, is that the pregnancy was an announcement. Maybe you were just that excited. Maybe it was past the tricky first trimester. Maybe it was one of those rare cases that happens after the 20 week mark and feels less like a miscarriage and more like the loss of a child. No matter the reason, it feels like everyone knows and is asking about the baby and you don’t know how to respond. Or you want to scream and rage and you are so tired of smiling politely and telling them that you aren’t pregnant anymore. At this point, I don’t know how you are feeling but I know that it is big and scary and may feel out of your control. Who do you talk to when you are so angry, or scared, or numb? When the people around you mean well but just can’t provide you with the comfort or reassurance you need?

Reach Out

Find a way to communicate all of your messy emotions. Find a way that works for you. Maybe it’s by being anonymous through an online support group. Maybe it’s by joining a local support group. Maybe it’s by journaling, or telling your best friend or crying on your partner’s shoulder. I can’t tell you the right way to express yourself but I can tell you that your feelings are important and need to be shared somewhere and hopefully, with someone. Please reach out for help and support during this difficult time.